It was getting on for late o’clock
When at the door of the castle there came a knock.
Outside stood a girl with a rain-drenched frock,
Who asked for a room, and was in for a shock.

The guest bedroom was quite the sight,
With mattresses piled to ceiling height.
The girl, though knackered, and despite
Such comfort, had a sleepless night.

She complained to her host the following day
That she was certain, as she lay
There counting sheep, she’d felt what may
Be a seed of the family Fabaceae.

Fabaceae, Fabaceae,
That’s pea to the likes of you and me.
She was sure she could sense
That what gave her offence
Was a seed of the family Fabaceae.

Her host gave out a shrill “Whoopeee!”
And he jumped in the air and he slapped his knee,
And he said, “You’re definitely the girl for me.
Underneath those mattresses, I hid a little pea.
And cos you correctly guessed what was lurking in your bed,
You shall be the girl I wed.”

The girl’s jaw hit the floor and she turned red,
Not from blushing but from rage, and this is what she said:
“I didn’t come here seeking a groom,
All I wanted was a simple room,
And I think that it’s rich for you to assume
That I’d fall for you just cos of some random legume.
What sort of basis is that for a match?
What makes you think that I’d take you as a catch?
What a ridiculous plan to hatch!
Keep your peas to yourself and to your vegetable patch.”

Fabaceae, Fabaceae,
That’s pea to the likes of you and me.
She was sure she could sense
That what gave her offence
Was the seed of the family Fabaceae.

The man replied, “In hindsight, yes,
The plan seems strange, I must confess.
I’d read somewhere that if you’d guess
It was a pea, then you’d be my princess.

She said, “I thought we’d turned the page
On such ridiculous ways to engage
In romance. This is an absolute outrage
Acting like that in a post-me-too age.”

Then she stormed out the door with a look so stern
That into the man her contempt did burn.
But he tried it with the next girl who turned
Up asking for a room, because some men never learn.

Fabaceae, Fabaceae,
That’s pea to the likes of you and me.
She was sure she could sense
That what gave her offence
Was the seed of the family Fabaceae.